A couple are being told that they need to be on their guard against their two week old baby, because apparently it’s a manipulative shit who’s trying to rule the world and needs strict discipline.

New parents Pete Bowen and Theresa Connell are slowly recovering from the painful, long process of child birth and are adjusting to a life of nappies, nipple pads and Tena lady.

Connell said: “I had this glamorous view of having a child. I thought it would pop out, give me lots of cuddles, sleep a lot and have the best features of me and Pete.

“In reality, child birth was an excruciating 13 hour blood bath. I don’t even think I really love it yet because I’m so exhausted and also it looks like a little red gremlin.”

Pete added: “Despite everything we’ve been very excited to take little Frankie out to see the family and friends, so we can at least look proud to people outside our house.

“However, people just feed us with shit advice, constantly. According to my Mother he just has wind constantly, which apparently is the only reason a baby would cry.

“Other people have gone so far as to tell us he’s manipulating us and if we don’t put him in a drawer to cry until he passes out every night, he’ll dominate the household and steal my job.”

Connell added: “If I hear the word ‘routine’ again I’ll remove someone’s head from their shoulders.”

Bowen agreed saying: “The most common question I get is ‘is he good for you?’

“Unfortunately ‘well he’s not murdered anyone yet’ is an inappropriate answer.”

photo credit: katherine lynn <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/59138825@N00/31299158323″>Baby Toes</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;