A programming review has confirmed that there’s barely any heroin being abused by children’s TV characters anymore. 

The review found that heroin use was ‘at its peak’ in the mid 80s, providing children with grainy memories of Zammo smacked out of tits on a toilet floor in an amusement arcade.

The review confirmed the suspicions of miserable adults aged 40 plus, that children are wrapped in cotton wool and should be exposed to the real world a little more. 
Parent Pete Bowen said: “I watched Grange Hill as a 6 year old and learnt a lot. Take Zammo for instance, he was smart because he never injected. 

“In the early 90s Byker Grove taught me about how to rebuff a gay kiss. You just don’t learn life lessons like these from Basil Brush.” 

The longer term effects of children not being exposed to Class A drug abuse are yet to be known. It’s bound to add however to worries that children wear seat belts in reliable and safe cars nowadays and aren’t playing in the streets until after dark. 

BBC spokesperson Theresa Connell said: “We’re surprised at the findings, we always assumed In the Night Garden was a heroin based fantasy, but actually it’s more of a hallucinogenic one. Iggle Piggle is actually in an LSD induced nightmare. 

“We’re having a media type pow-wow on Monday about re-introducing opiates into the programming. Early ideas include a shooting gallery for intravenous drug use next door to Mr Tumble’s house.” 

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