Theresa May has announced a radical approach to tackling the crisis being faced by the NHS, by incentivising GPs to euthanise anyone over the age of 60.

The plans form part of a number of strategies aimed at reducing the number of people visiting GP surgeries and subsequent referrals to hospitals, where inconsiderate elderly people are smugly lying in beds and demanding to have their arses are wiped like they’re on a Saga holiday.

Early targets will naturally be the poor, with GPs being incentivised to offer sick working class pensioners ‘a quick prayer’ as treatment for whatever ailment they may have. Other initiatives will include replacing cough medicine with bleach and angina tablets with anthrax.

Pensioner Pete Bowen said: “I’ve had a nagging cough for the last three weeks and I’m due to get it checked out next week.

“I had suspected cancer not so long ago, now I’m worried that’s still on my records and I’ll be poisoned and killed off. Maybe I’ll wait this one out.”

Theresa May said: “Well life’s a lottery. The message is simple, we’re savagely crippling the NHS so use it or die, or don’t use it and die.”

 

photo credit: Alex E. Proimos <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/34120957@N04/6869336880″>The Stethoscope</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Advertisements