Research published today has confirmed that doing anything will probably give you cancer, especially reading articles about the things that give you cancer.

As the racist Food Standards Agency set about warning people of the perils of having toast which is ‘too brown’, further research into carcinogens has revealed that reading the word cancer too many times gives you eye and brain cancer.

BMA Spokesperson Theresa Connell said: “With an ageing population more people than ever are reading things, meaning cancer has seized on the opportunity to attack you from Daily Mail articles about cancer.

“We think that cancer may even be paying off news outlets in order to help them give more people cancer.  I mean burnt toast?  Really cancer, is that the best you can do?”

Further analysis into the research has found that if you do anything remotely enjoyable, you’ll probably get cancer.  In addition to reading articles about cancer the latest version of carcinogens includes sex, riding a bike, having a lie in on the weekend and trying to kick pigeons.

Connell added: “Actually just being alive is a massive, massive gamble.”