Online retail giant Amazon has earned a well deserved business levy cut and have already laid out plans of where the savings will be invested.

In response to Amazon posting profits of $748m last month and ‘allegedly’ abusing tax loopholes, the Government have taken the necessary action to save them more money and correctly bring small independents to their knees.

Amazon spokesperson Pete Bowen said: “We deserve a break, it’s hard work not paying taxes. If I’m honest it’s easier to just pay tax, but where’s the fun in that?

“We shamelessly flaunt tax laws, but then we’re given a business levy cut. So we figured we’d look at what else we could exploit.

“We already pay shit wages and don’t guarantee hours, so we’re going to use the money we save on the cut to transform our warehouses into workhouse. Why the fuck not?

“We’re going to remove all windows and replace them with rusty corrugated iron. We’ve found somewhere who’ll provide us with soiled mattresses so we can make everyone sleep here, which we’re going to douse in sour milk.

“Finally we’re going to have Jedward having a conversation about co-sleeping and sharing baths playing out on the intercom, on loop, 24/7.

“We forecast that by this time next year we’ll be completely tax free and that HMRC will cover any pension contributions we have to make.” 

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