God has confirmed he’s a bit fickle, after admitting he changes his views on things as often as ‘that Jesus kid’ resurrects himself.
God said: “Having to wear so many hats is difficult. I’m a creator, universe ruler, source of moral authority and overall supreme being. I’m also immortal, so pretty fucking tired a lot of the time.
“I’m not really in the job for the credit, so I’m fairly laid back about ‘scientists’ who attempt to dispel all my work as myths. I created mortgages so fully understand people have to do shit for money.
“A lot of questions are asked about my existence, especially with so much suffering around the world and a second term Tory Government. That’s why I created the ‘shit happens’ quote. A bit like in Forrest Gump, which if you think about it is all about me.
“Ricky Gervais was talking about there being 3,000 Gods the other day, there’s not. It’s just me, one fickle God. I’m white, black, male, female, Halal, non Halal. I’m whatever you want me to be, baby.
“When I created time zones I did so with the intention of hungrily listening to all the sins people carry out on a weekly basis all day on a Sunday from all over the world, largely because I’m a nosey prick. That’s why it’s as simple as just telling me then getting off with it.
“We’ll see what today brings, but I wouldn’t expect me to send in a swarm of locusts anywhere anytime soon, I really can’t be arsed. I’ll just approve whatever and get on with my day watching reruns of Not Going Out on UK TV Gold.”