A new Dad from the Uplands is doing an excellent job at convincing people the baby keeps him awake at night, when really he has no idea if its been awake or not.

Project Manager Pete Bowen’s girlfriend Theresa gave birth to their son three months ago, but he finds his outward no sleep facade to be the most challenging part of parenthood.

Pete said: “I’m very much a hands on, modern day Dad. I do lots of important jobs to help Theresa, like pouring her wine and diligently fulfilling her other requests like ‘stay out of my f**king way’.

“The biggest issue is sleep, in that I’m having more than ever and I don’t think it’s meant to be like this. Every morning I question my morals when I turn to Theresa and say ‘tough night last night, wasn’t it?’

“What makes it worse is that everyone wants to know about sleep. I think I’m providing a credible account to everyone when I tell them how much of a nightmare life is at the moment, but really my life is one big sleep filled lie.”

Theresa said: “The baby is awake every hour and Pete just sleeps.

“Sometimes I watch him sleeping like I’m a creepy home invader. Sometimes I pick up one of the baby’s toys and run it across his neck in a slicing movement, as if it were a knife. I do that a lot actually.

“Eventually he farts, which does wake him up, then starts his day by lying to my face.”

Pete added: “Well, I did say I would’ve preferred a dog so I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.”

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