“My daughter is going through a ‘phase’ and wants to buy some sports apparel from Sports Direct, which I’m very unaccustomed with.  Should I wear gloves to prevent catching any working class germs and should I also wear a mask in case some friends see me?”  Rita, 42, Caswell.

You should wear gloves, but because most of the stock has a coating of dust on it.  I’d swap the mask for bicycle helmet in case a disproportionately large display of balls comes crashing down on your head.  You’re going to get more attention than a dog a schoolyard, please tell me when you’re going.

“Orite fella?  I wants to shag a smart bird on the weekend and wants to look stylish.  Should I wear my Superdry top or my Ed Hardy one?”  Tom, 27, Morriston.

Hi Tom.  Why would you write ‘orite’?  That’s so offensive.  Change the ‘a’ to an ‘o’ and add the extra two letters, for the love of God.  Choosing between Superdry clothing and Ed Hardy clothing is like choosing whether I want to be killed by a slow moving steam roller or suffocated to death by Theresa May’s vagina.  I’m going to have to say neither.


“Hiyaaaa!  The wallpaper in my lounge is black with luminous pink flowers on it, which I know is really stylish.  Is that hygge?”  Amy, 28, Copper Quarter.

Hi Amy, no it’s not.  I think I know the wallpaper you’re talking about, isn’t it the one that devalues your property by 10%?  If you’re trying to achieve hygge you should probably remove all the leopard print rugs and over-sized canvas picture of you and your boyfriend too.


photo credit: eltpics <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/54942754@N02/14621118022″>Feeling</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;