It’s not every day that you have an opportunity to interview the Prime Minister, but I managed to grab a quick chat with her after she signed the City Deal today at the Liberty Stadium.

Below is the full transcript, TDS is ‘The Daily Swansea’ and TM is ‘Theresa May’.

TDS: Good afternoon Prime Minister, thanks for joining us. Is this your first time visiting Plasmarl?

TM: Yes it is actually, it’s got me wondering whether £1.3bn is going to be enough to invest in Swansea to make a real difference.

TDS: OK. Erm, well we don’t have a huge amount of time so I’m just going to ask a couple of questions, then like Jeremy Corbyn does we’ll field some questions to you from the general public.

TM: Oh for f…

TDS: How do you fucking sleep at night?

TM: What do you mean?

TDS: On your back? Side? Do you own a Divan?

TM: Oh. Well most of the time I sleep hanging upside down from the ceiling, but occasionally I like to nestle in on top of the hopes and dreams of working class people, it’s surprisingly comfortable.

TDS: Certain people in Swansea refer to you as a twat, which is an acronym for ‘That Woman’s A Tory’ something. Usually twat. Is that fair?

TM: So some people essentially call me a twat twat?

TDS: I guess so.

TM: Well that’s what a Labour led devolved education system gets you. You wouldn’t have people saying things like that if there were more grammar schools here.

TDS: Food for thought. The Mirror reported last week that a man is having to hold down six jobs just to make ends meet, is that fair?

TM: Yes it’s completely fair, that man was George Osborne and he’s a complete imbecile. He loves cocaine and hookers a bit too much that one, off the record.

TDS: Sure! OK, some questions from the people of Swansea. Mary from Mumbles welcomes a new City Deal, but wants some reassurances that there’ll be a Waitrose in Mumbles on the back of it. Can you confirm or deny?

TM: A Waitrose, in Mumbles? Ludicrous *does that laughing thing where she tips her head back and shakes*. Not exactly Surrey or Alderley Edge is it?

TDS: Not even a Pret?

TM: You don’t have a Pret in Swansea? Oh my word. Next you’ll be telling me there’s Costa Coffees everywhere.

TDS: Moving on. Theresa from Cwmbwrla wants to know why Tories are such dreadful people.

TM: I get this a lot; we’re only ‘dreadful’ if you believe all of the facts. If you took the time to research right-wing media a bit more, you’ll find we work very hard at covering things up and duping people. Child poverty was on the rise for example, so we moved the goalposts a bit and raised the threshold definition of child poverty.

TDS: Very clever.

TM: I know.

TDS: OK, question from Pete who’s originally from Neath…

TM: I’m not prepared to answer anything from someone who lives in Neath.

TDS: He lives in Llansamlet now?

TM: Fine, I guess.

TDS: Pete says he owns a small building company and would like to know how to tender for some of the construction work that will come with the City Deal, how does he do that?

TM: A nice easy one, I like easy. Well first of all he’ll need to donate around a million pounds to the Conservative Party and register his company in a tax haven, so nobody can really track the payments he makes to us. Then, after paying more money for private lunches with Conservative MPs, he’ll be considered.

TDS: Makes sense. Final one from Bill in Brynmill.

TM: Ha! Brynmill Bill?

TDS: You could call him Brynbill!

TM: That doesn’t work.

TDS: Sorry. If Brexit means Brexit, what the fuck does the RT in Andrew RT Davies mean and why does he feel the need to add it in all time?

TM: Well ‘Andrew Davies’ sounds a bit Welsh doesn’t it? You can’t be Welsh and be taken seriously in politics. I’m not sure what the ‘RT’ is, but it does add a more English feel to the name. Look, can I go now?