People who fancy themselves as terrible drivers with a superiority complex, will be required to sit a test to make sure they’re enough of a twat to drive a Porsche Cayenne, it has emerged.

The unnecessarily large vehicle driven by hideous bastards, has seen a surge in purchases by careful and considerate drivers, which has threatened to ruin the lack of integrity of the brand.

Cayenne driver Pete Bowen said: “I saw a woman driving a Cayenne the other day and she stopped to let an old man cross the road, it’s like she didn’t realise she now owns that road. It was an incredibly undignified thing for a Cayenne driver to do.

“I’m onto my second Cayenne now. I had a black one at first, but I felt like I blended in a bit too much, so I’ve gone for bright yellow so that people can really embrace how much of a prick I am. The interior colour doesn’t really match the exterior either, but who cares? I have a license to be vulgar.

“I’ve found my erection problems don’t bother me anymore because I can just pass on my frustrations on to other people who drive within the confounds of the law..

“It’s a real concern for me that any old person can pick one up, so the test is valid way for owners to take control of Porsche ownership, a bit like Brexit but we’re bigots who have an OK credit rating.”

Hopeful Cayenne owner Theresa Connell said: “I want a huge car with all the cameras and sensors to help me park well, which I’ll park really badly anyway.

“Unfortunately I failed the test because I wouldn’t wear Ralph Lauren clothes and tell a story about ripping people off to make me seem powerful.”

Pete added: “I don’t know where the indicator is, but its fine because people just move out of my way anyway.”

photo credit: RL GNZLZ <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/37691369@N08/33574442086″>Porsche Cayenne Turbo S 2008</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

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