Confident Tory candidates are preempting which of their pledges they’re going make a ‘u’ shaped turn on first, it has emerged.

The high level pow-wow took place on a conference call between the candidates, as each of them pretended they’d actually be accepted by big wig Tories who hire poor people to drive them around Westminster in a Mercedes.

Oystermouth candidate Pete Bowen said: “Yah it was a totally productive call and I’ve already emailed Theresa May with an arrogantly toned email, which I know she’ll simply adore.

“Like, I told all the people with ‘little businesses’ in the area I’d totally reduce their business rates. If they believe that then they clearly deserve for me to do nothing about it.”

Uplands candidate Theresa Connell said: “I felt I’d truly arrived as a terrible twat on that call, there was so much loud laughing and pretentiousness that I may have climaxed at one point, but I’m not sure. There’s a strong possibility it was a reaction to the smoke I was blowing up everyone’s anuses.

“I’d promised some nonsense about council tax reductions, maybe? Was it? I mean really, who even cares? Taxes are for peasants.”

Welsh Conservative leader Andrew RT Davies added: “I’m proud of how out of touch these people are with the electorate.

“It’s vital for the future of the party that we continue to breed terrible people who are prepared to be highly creative with the truth for political gain.

“They’re need to reign it in a little though, I’ve been a terrible bastard for years and I’m still quite far removed from the inner circle. Although two weeks ago I did get so close to Theresa May I could smell the dead skin she’d shedded in her previous reptile life.” 

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