A woman from Sketty Park is offering to help others lose weight and improve their mindset, following two weeks of violent sickness, diarrhoea and time off work.
Business Development Manager Theresa Connell, 28, has posted pictures of her flatter stomach while sat in meditation poses and a flurry of inspirational quotes lifted from Google Images.
Theresa said: “I feel so pure, two weeks ago I was sniffing cocaine and devouring a questionable kebab. Then followed two weeks of gut wrenching diarrhoea.
“The fact I’ve spent the last two weeks explosively shitting out anything I’ve eaten and not drinking alcohol or doing drugs has nothing to do with my new mental strength and loss of 12lbs.
“I had to share the new me with the world, partly because I’m virtually a Buddhist now, but mainly because I love when people tell me ‘you look fab hun’.
“It’s probably all about clean eating, I think. Like, I’ve tried eating loads of goodness like greens, especially the green pesto that comes on frozen pizzas. It’s been a complex detox process.
“I think meditating is amazing and it really cleanses my brain. It really is easy, I just light some candles and sit cross-legged with my hands on my knees while my friends take pictures of me for Facebook.
“I found a yoga page on Instagram who do great quotes, so now I’m planning on charging people for yoga classes. I won’t be in it for the money, so people can pay what they can afford, but there’ll be a minimum £10 entry fee or they can fuck off home.”
Theresa’s friend Cheryl Gray said: “She looks fab and she’s so inspirational. I love the way she’s shaken off the fact she’s a coke fiend who shags anything and I really want to tag along because I’m a coke fiend who shags anything.”
Theresa added: “I definitely won’t renege on my new lifestyle when I go to town on Saturday night.
“It is Cheryl’s Birthday though and her dealer’s doing £70 for three grams of bugle, it’s an occasion though and occasions are fine.
“Look you may not see me for on social media for a month or two, by then I’ll have moved on to the importance of appreciating your family or some shit.”
photo credit: keith ellwood <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/76377775@N05/34719768061″>Beauty in B&W</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a>