The leaders of political parties have finally found some unity this morning, in that they’re all knackered and ready to sit down with a bottle of wine in front of Gogglebox but can’t.
Following a gruelling number of weeks on the campaign trail, bickering, spinning, lying but creating a decent holidays worth of expenses, the leaders came together and unanimously agreed it should really be the end of the week now.
Tim Farron said: “I’ve worked really bloody hard recently, really bloody hard. I’m making no ground whatsoever but people think I’m quite nice. A bit like cheeky northern chimney sweep.
“Do gays go out on a Friday? They can’t do on a Sunday. Maybe Thursday and an insulting election result is better.”
Paul Nuttall went on to say: “I love Friday because I’m another day nearer to having a Sunday roast on our Union Jack tablecloth.
“The only good thing about it being Thursday is that I still have the landslide UKIP victory to look forward to, I’m sure my manifesto which just said the words ‘controlled’ and ‘common sense’ over and over again will win me a majority.”
Theresa May said: “Friday is fun night in the May household. We swap jobs! Philip does the cooking, well puts the Waitrose meal in the oven, and I put the food bin out! If you can’t cut loose on a Friday when can you?
“To be fair I’m a little less tired than everyone else, the electorate and the press have done my job for me. But still, Philip will have to wait another night for us to sit in silence in our matching nighties and listen to the clock ticking.”
Natalie Bennett added: “On Friday night’s I meditate to try and appease my disdain for gluten.
“I really thought I was there tonight, instead I’ll have to stay up with a green smoothie and pretend I’ve stopped people from flying in polluting planes.”
Jeremy Corbyn said: “I have herring and boiled octopus on Friday nights, which I have every night actually. And a single boiled potato.
“I haven’t managed a nap for ages either, I have two on a Friday usually. I did offer everyone four extra days off to accommodate extra naps, but you wouldn’t listen.”
Leanne Wood and Nicola Sturgeon finished with: “We Skype every Friday and talk about the Tories and England. It’s gets a bit feisty but then we fall asleep in front of our webcams.
“Saturday mornings involve waking up and picking up where we left off until Sunday night comes and we fall asleep again.”