Theresa May has rejected the election results and dismissed them as Labour scaremongering.

May said: “I’ve always maintained that only one poll is important, the one that was cited on the day I called the General Election, which gives me a 20 point lead. Therefore I still have a clear mandate to completely shaft the country. 

“I’m sat here with lots of ordinary voters with blue rosettes who all agree I’m still the one to handle ‘those negotiations’ in Brussels. 

“I’m contemplating reversing my overall decision to hold an election, I’m confident we can just forget this ever happened. The Queen will agree with me, especially that lovely chat we had about pastel coloured pant suits. 

Malfunctioning slightly, May continued: “Song and table. Strable? Strong, strong, stable. Boris! No Boris!” 

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