A man reported missing by his family, who voted Conservative at the election, has been found on Oxwich beach with his head buried deep in the sand, it has emerged.
39 year old Pete Bowen hadn’t been seen since Theresa May announced she ‘shed a tear’ when seeing the exit poll on election night, a startling revelation which appeared to make her sound human.
Bowen said: “I was on top of the world in April when Mrs May announced an election. I began shouting snowflake at young people in the street and when I heard the soundbite ‘strong and stable’ my erectile dysfunction was immediately reversed.
“As we advanced through May, the month not the incompetent leader, my mood started dampen. I was still able to comment ‘Diane Abbott messed up maths though’ on various Facebook posts, but I found I was pulling my toothy-smug-face a lot less and my side parting was starting to look skew-whiff.
“As the weeks have progressed, it’s become increasingly difficult to be an arrogant prick which doesn’t resonate well with me. Who cheers for not giving nurses a pay rise? What was that MP using the ‘n’ word for anyway? Oh God, Jeremy fucking Hunt.
“When we reached out to Labour for advice on Brexit and then I heard the Prime Minister, the leader of the Tory Party, actually shed a real tear, I was done.”
A spokesperson for South Wales Police said: “We rescued a man in a pin striped suit yesterday afternoon after a member of the public reported that they could see a pair of legs sticking up from the sand.
“The man fitted the description we were given, well we could see the Margaret Thatcher socks waving the air at least.
“He was visibly shaken and just kept muttering ‘no deal is better than a bad deal, what does this mean’ and he’s being cared for expertly by underpaid nurses in a publicly owned hospital where his wife doesn’t need to pay to park.”
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