It’s tough being a man, which is something you typically say when you’re not a woman. So we’ve pieced together some helpful tips to make life a little easier for you.

You may be a young man, venturing out to explore life beyond nitrous oxide up the park or you may be an old hand, recently single and ready be an all-out misogynist again.

Use appropriate greetings:

When you see another man you like or aren’t overly threatened by, be sure to call him ‘fella’. Chances are he’ll call you ‘fella’ back and you can use this as a basis for laying down the foundations of your relationship.

When you meet someone you’re a bit unsure of because they’re taller than you and maybe have better eyebrows, call them ‘son’. It elevates your social standing without having to piss all over the floor to mark your territory.

Stand correctly for pictures:

Pictures usually make their way onto social media, and the last thing you want is to look at them 10-15 years down the line and think ‘what was I thinking?’

You have options, just be clear about which one you choose to take. Nothing says ‘I don’t look like a twat’ more than holding your fist up in a boxer pose. You’ll look proper hard and all the ladies will think you’re a rugged animal with a gentle soul.

Folding your arms is positive, because irrespective of how many protein shakes you drink, it’s always good to look bigger right? Squeeze those biceps right up.

Remember, if women can drive nowadays, you’re entitled to pout.

Take out loads of credit on stuff you can’t afford:

Philosophical question lads; is it better to have a Mercedes sat on your drive that you can’t afford to drive, or no Mercedes and money to pay for fuel on a Kia Ceed?

Mercedes every time.

Tattoos:

Make sure you get a sleeve tattoo, it doesn’t matter about the design, it’ll present you with something great to talk about all the f**king time. Also, if you see a pretty lady who already has a boyfriend, you could wave your arm in the air to call her over and she’d have no idea if you were her boyfriend or not. In a crowded bar, all the tattoos merge into one big tribal blur.

Exaggerate past achievements:

Women love it when you tell them all about how you could’ve been a professional sportsman earning millions of pounds, but that you decided to call it a day to focus on a more honest career selling PPI claims.

Abercrombie & Fitch, Superdry, Emporio Armani:

That’s all you ever need to wear, make sure it’s really tight.

Contradict yourself at all times:

Nothing keeps people on their toes more than when they have no idea what you stand for. Go to the gym, tell everyone how strong and fit you are, criticise your mates with a timber on them for being so unhealthy and then go out and do loads of drugs.

Advertisements