A friend who moved to London came back to see his mates and had turned into a really condescending prick all of a sudden.

24 year old Rob Gray, originally from Cockett, moved to London a month ago after landing himself a wanky job as a ‘Global Media Advocate’.

Rob said: “I was on the train passing the Liberty Stadium and I felt like Billy Elliot going back to the North East for the first time since becoming a grown up ballet man.

“I left for London with a Greggs, in bootcut jeans and a Diesel t-shirt and I’m returning with sourdough, skinny jeans and loafers without socks. I’m more GQ than B&Q nowadays.”

Rob’s friend Pete Bowen said: “I was really looking forward to seeing Rob again, we’ve been mates for years and I’ve missed him on the Swansea circuit.

“We went to the Uplands Tav, he walked in looking like a nob and seemed possessed by an intangible air of pretentiousness. He mocked the beer for being too cheap and not coming from a microbrewery, but he still couldn’t afford it.”

Gray added: “It was so weird coming back, everything looked so small and meaningless, especially when you factor in my new massive ego.

“Someone was talking about some shop on Oxford Street, I thought it was by John Lewis but then I realised it was Swansea Oxford Street.

“How can you possibly have a John Lewis here? The whole city has a smaller population than Croydon, it’s ridiculous.”

Bowen continued: “Its true we don’t have a John Lewis, but given that Rob’s paying £1,200 a month in rent for a box room with a shared bathroom in Peckham, I very much doubt he’s doing much shopping there.

“I gave him a lift to the station the next day because ‘Londoners don’t do cars’.

“He told me to ‘keep earning and burning’ which was one of the many twatty quotes he spewed out over the weekend.

“I’d consider listening to his advice if we hadn’t just been to his Dad’s house so he could borrow money to top up his Oyster card.”