A man is standing in his kitchen window, gazing longingly at his tarpaulin draped porcelain enamelled barbecue and wondering if today might be the day.

Pete Bowen, 41, spent £88 on the round charcoal barbecue with adjustable air vent and built in heat indicator when we had two days of hot weather in June.

Bowen said: “Have I got the barbecue bug? Oh yeah, but she’s just sat there all cold and wet. It’s August for Christ sake.

“Don’t get me wrong, she’s had some usage. When my neighbour goes into his garden I rush out and peel back the skin and give it a little tap and say ‘won’t be long now’. He’s a bloke so he gets it and I think he’s a bit jealous of it which makes me feel like swinging my penis around.

“I just want to put a can of John Smith’s up a chicken’s bum and stick on the barbie. Why can’t I put a can of John Smith’s up a chicken’s bum and put it on the barbie?”

Pete’s wife Theresa said: “He can sodomise a chicken with a beer can and put it in the oven, it’s the same result.

“It was our anniversary in July and I didn’t get anything this year because he blew his budget on that soon to be pile of rust over by the food bin.

“He’s considering going on a ‘barbecuing course’ but there’s a Jamie Oliver cookbook for people who don’t know how to open an oven that I bought him for Christmas that he hasn’t even opened yet.”

Pete continued: “When I start braising shit Theresa will be happy. She’ll love doing the ‘salad’ too.

“I’ve invested heavily in barbecue paraphernalia and I’m planning on buying some meat that’s been hanging somewhere exotic over smoking hay bales for 28 days, you know, do it proper.

“Also, what’s a glaze?”

photo credit: Matthew Warner <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/27891200@N04/35617222802″>Self Portrait of a goofball</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;