A middle class Swansea woman disguised herself as pre Girls Aloud Cheryl Tweedy on Saturday morning so she could get her hands on prosecco from Lidl without being spotted at the budget supermarket.
Socially middle class but financially struggling Theresa Connell, 38, needed a solution to support her thirst for fizz on a tight budget and when Lidl granted her wish, she knew she had to act swiftly.
Theresa said: “A box of prosecco for £20 is amazeballs, but being offered by Lidl and not M&S or Cheers is why I don’t believe in God.
“August Bank Holiday is always so busy, barbecues, nibbles, Cracker Sevens in Underhill Park, something to have with my bagel at breakfast.
“I had to find a way to save face queuing for cheap booze in Parc Tawe, taking into account that local or national press may have been there to film the desperately dreadful masses.
“I went with Cheryl because I have dark hair and whatever way you choose to dress it up, she is a chav. But one of the pretty ones, like TOWIE with dimples.”
She continued: “I figured if I saw anyone I knew I could say the white tracksuit was because I was going to Xercise4Less and I thought the queue was for the gym because I was ‘craving cardio’.
“It was pretty heavy when I was there, I think some people may have been on that spice and I very nearly fainted when I heard someone call prosecco ‘proshecco’ and describe it as being ‘wine that’s like pop’.
“Italians wouldn’t call your Super Noodles ‘tagliatelle’ so why would you butcher their fizz?”
Fellow shopped Cheryl Gray said: “I know Theresa from tennis club and I spotted her a mile off.
“Fortunately I’d been through a 12 hour transformation from the Mumbles version of Catherine Zeta Jones to become the Treboeth one, so she had no idea it was me.
“She approached me asking what the protocol was for value retail shopping and I screamed ‘oggy, oggy, oggy’ in her face and she retreated like a French army, and Cheryl Cole’s last husband.”
Theresa said: “I brought some John Lewis tape with me from last Christmas, so as soon as I got my prosecco into the car I glued the tape all over the box so everyone who saw it would think I got it from there.
“It was the perfect crime and I even managed to get inseminated by a 23 year old.”
photo credit: smileham <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/58472333@N00/4821874281″>Chavs 7</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>(license)</a>