A controversial stand has been confirmed for the upcoming Swansea University fresher’s fair, run by creepy men masquerading as ‘sugar daddies’.

The stand will be run by midlife crisis afflicted men in pin striped suits, who have a light dusting of dandruff on their shoulders and smell like the inside of your Dad’s car.

Sugar Daddy Pete Bowen said: “I’m the right sort of age to feasibly think young women are defenceless creatures who need a father figure when they move away from home.

“In exchange I’ll provide a bountiful supply of Tesco own brand Corn Flakes and make all the Dad noises the lucky lady wants.”

Fellow Sugar Daddy Rob Gray said: “I’m a massive fan of my 18 year old daughter’s friends, so this seemed like the natural thing for me to do.

“I’m not even rich, but I’m richer than most of them and that makes me feel like a big man, which is important because I seem to be shrinking.”

Creepy Bill Peters said: “You give me what I want, which is the opportunity to give you directions via A roads only, and I take you for a spin in my sports car.

“It’s a 2004 Mazda MX5, the thinking man’s Ferrari. I’ll also chuck in some patronising wisdom so she really knows her place.”

Fresher Theresa Connell said: “I thought about getting a sugar daddy but then I realised they’re actually creepy wankers.

“I’ve decided to just get pissed for the next few years.”

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