A man from Trallwn has been seen in his kitchen cutting deals with a house spider because he’s terrified of it, it’s been revealed.

Beefy Builder Rob Gray, 41, spotted spider Pete Bowen nestled in the right hand corner of his conservatory, doing nothing but possibly plotting to crawl into his mouth while he sleeps and maybe murder his family.

Rob said: “When I saw Pete I froze to the spot, I figured if I stood still while standing 10 metres away he wouldn’t see me and do something terrifying, like move a tiny bit.

“I found myself saying “It’s OK, you stay there and I’ll stay here. You’re welcome in my house so long as you agree to stay in exactly the same position forever.””

Spider Bowen said: “I’ve got like 8 eyes and he’s 19 stone and 6’2”, of course I saw him.

“I told him, “It’s mating season mush, I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to make a massive web and empty my spider sack on it, and then I’m going wander around your house with my sperm and plant it in a sexy lady spider.””

Rob continued: “At first I thought that sounded a good way to carry out the main features of sex without the emotional baggage and pointless cuddling.

“But then I said, “No way is there any female spiders in here, they’re all outside surely? Or next door in the Connell’s house because I leant them my power washer and they haven’t given it back.”

Bowen retorted: “Look Rob, I’m not leaving this house until I’ve impregnated as many birds as I can and if you don’t give me freedom of the house I’ll do your wife.”

Defeated Rob added: “In the end I agreed because he’ll just die waiting to have sex with my Cheryl.”

photo credit: Click-track Heart <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/54380822@N05/6023671658″>House spider</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;