Theresa May has responded to a letter from Welsh Conservatives about the Tidal Lagoon in the same way everyone does when they don’t give a shit about something, by asking for it to be sent in an email.

Meanwhile Prime Minister May, who already has an inbox of unread emails far bigger than the Bristol Channel, is busy preparing for the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester by eating Eccles Cakes and curiously watching back episodes of Queer as Folk.

May said: “I didn’t even realise we had a Conservative Party in Wales, so when I read on Twitter they’d written me a letter I was a little surprised. Do they not know what we’ve done to their country?

“I’ve seen some excerpts of the letter; I thought it was really cute that they’d compared the cost per household to a pint of milk. Of course by the time we’ve finished fucking up Brexit and escalating inflation a pint of milk will probably be the same price as a house in the Sandfields.”

Council Conservative member Pete Bowen added: “We’re all off to the conference in Manchester, but last year we weren’t allowed to go any further than the lobby because our accents made us ‘sound a bit Labour’.

“I was delighted to add my name to the letter which someone else wrote; it’s a bit like when you add your name to a group project in school without doing any work or lying about fixing the economy.”

May continued: “Aside from not being in South of England the scheme has a number of flaws. I’ve heard ‘environmental benefit’ being mooted about, but as a religious woman I only believe in hard facts interpreted from the Bible, not science.

“If they put it in an email I get round to it at some point, probably around two years after I finish reading the complaints the Police Commissioner made when I was Home Secretary 2010.”

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