After it was announced that ten Anglican churches a year are closing in Wales, the National Churches Trust have announced radical plans to encourage people back through the door.
The trust, who are focussing attention on real estate instead of any other mitigating factors, have identified falling headcount as the key issue behind the closures.
Vicar Pete Bowen said: “Both the quality and quantity of alter boys has decreased massively in the last couple of decades.
“Sometimes it’s so quiet in the confession box I find myself having to deal with my own issues and it’s really not my job to judge myself.”
Trust Manager Rob Gray continued: “I think what Pete’s trying to say is that there’s just a real lack of footfall nowadays, so we figured we’d ‘sex’ the church up a bit. In a legitimate way this time though, a bit like a Levi’s ad.
“We have a little bit of an edge already, the stained glass windows make the church look like a permanent Instagram filter, so if you’re young, reasonably good looking and prepared to share innuendos with the congregation we want to hear from you.”
Father Bowen added: “We could just ask God, surely it’s in his interest to keep churches full? It’s not like he doesn’t exist.”
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