Swansea has responded to news that the University has been shortlisted in the Santander Cycles University Challenge, by asking if that floppy haired pompous prick Boris can stay out of the fucking equation.

The competition, which requires investment from potential users via a crowdfunding campaign, ticks all the boxes as an affordable way to travel in the city – except for the association with a bungling idiot.

Student Pete Bowen said: “It sounds good and I’m loaded at the moment because I’ve just had my loan.

“It’s just that they may be known as ‘Boris bikes’ and that’s shit.

“Trouble is if they’re actually Boris bikes they’ll just keep going back on themselves all the time and buckling under scrutiny, the point is if Boris is involved it’ll be a calamitous mess and no one will ever get anywhere.”

Brynmill resident Theresa Connell said: “I just started working in the new campus, so this is perfect for me.

“But how do I know the bike won’t try and divert off to an expensive bridge paid for by the tax payer that was never built?

“At least we’ll have a well funded NHS to deal with me if I fall off. That’s happened hasn’t it?”

Lecturer Rob Gray added: “Its not unusual to see people on bikes being ignorant. But to have an ignorant bike because it’s called Boris is something else.

“The trouble with a Boris bike is that you’ll tell it brake and it’ll accelerate. It’ll creep up on other bikes and steal their chains and bells, a Boris bike won’t need any of those things, but it’ll happily remove them from bikes that do.

“They’ll cheat too. Cheat on their bike wives, the owners who pay for them, they’ll say they’re £10 but by the time you put your hand in your pocket £10 will only be worth £5 so you’ll have to pay £15.

“Can we just call them bikes?”

In all seriousness, this is a good thing (the bike, not the Boris. That guy is dangerous. He’s not loveable and cuddly, he’s a dangerous prick) so please donate to the non Boris version at http://www.swansea.ac.uk/bikescheme

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