Thieves in Swansea have been condemned for the quality of items they’re stealing, it’s been revealed.

The criticism came as the value of the black market hit a record low yesterday, leading many people to compare the criminals to less noble professions like banking or being a Tory.

Thief Pete Bowen said: “I admit things have slipped recently, but no one deserves to be compared to Michael Gove.

“I half inched a nice handheld fan from Poundland today, I reckon I’ll get a couple of quid for it. Oh and I stole some sandpaper from B&Q, you can never have too much of that.

“It’s an open market, I could nick anything to sell on at profit. It’s not without its dangers though, I’ve just done 6 months for selling stolen cheese.

“We’re always being done for stolen cheese.”

Pete’s colleague Theresa Connell said: “I’ve just robbed a lovely leopard skin phone cover for a Nokia 3310 and a set of car mats with pictures of eggs on them.

“It’s been a productive day, I’ll have them queuing up around the block later. I think I was caught on CCTV but the car mats were tucked into my leggings so I was pretty discrete.”

Shopper Rob Gray said: “I asked a friend of a friend for a new 42” TV and was offered a grape peeler from Home Bargains.

“I almost want to go to Argos and pay full price, but I have my principles so I’ll be patient.”

photo credit: U.S. Army Korea (Historical Image Archive) <a href=”″>Shoplifting at Exchange costs military in many ways</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;