Philip Hammond has confirmed that today’s Budget will include a generous sweetener for people who drink Blossom Hill and shop in Morrison’s.

The Chancellor, keen to avoid any tricky questions about incompetence, will announce that poor people can just die for free without having to suffer the indignity of a Tory Government.

A spokesperson for Downing Street Pete Bowen said: “This is what you voted for. This is the magic of this Government.

“Everyone who sponges off the state are all hungry and freezing anyway. We may introduce a tax to seize the big TV that we and the Daily Mail assume you have though, but why not?

“We were voted in by people, remember?

“Corbyn can’t accuse us of demonising the poor if they’re not here. It’s genius.”

Local resident Theresa Connell said: “Its nice they’re acknowledging us, I’m glad I switched my vote from UKIP to the Conservatives now.

“Thankfully I won’t be poor for long after the glorious riches that await me from Universal Credits. It’s absolutely fine that I won’t have any money for Christmas, they’re giving me a loan and after I pay my bill for the 55p a minute phone line I’ll have a whole £3 left.”

Bowen interjected: “You voted for this. You like this.”

Swansea resident Rob Gray said: “I was hoping for some help with the arrears I’m going to get into over the next couple of months, but I’m massively grateful for this marvellous gesture so they’ve got my vote.

“Is there a vote? Or is that I’m a Celebrity?”

photo credit: Agência Brasil <a href=”″>Henrique Meirelles recebe o ministro das Finanças do Reino Unido</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;