A precocious little brat from the Uplands is going to continue acting like Damien from The Omen irrespective of whether an elf is watching him or not.

6 year old Pete Bowen momentarily fell for the modern tradition when he was four, but realised he still managed to get a load of presents even after flushing Daddy’s iPhone down the toilet.

Pete said: “Mummy introduced the elf a couple of years ago because I found her cigarettes and threatened to tell Daddy about it.

“At first it sounded legitimate; there are a lot of children in Swansea so it’s hard to know how Santa can watch all of us all the time, but it’s obviously just a ploy for parents to keep their children quiet or parents who eat all the advent calendar chocolates.”

Pete’s Mum Theresa said: “I thought it may have been a nice way to control his behaviour for a month but he’s still a horrible little shit.

“I spent an hour last night modelling a scene where the elf is parachuting into the room but it caught in one of the lights. I walked out of the room and by the time I came back Pete had fashioned a noose and tied it around the elf’s neck.

“That being said, I do love seeing his little face when he smashes up his new toys every Christmas morning.”

Pete added: “If anything my abusive treatment of the elf is getting me more presents because I guilt tripped Mummy by telling her my friend Frankie gets new Lego every day. Frankie’s Mummy and Daddy are really rich and don’t have drinking problems, so Mummy gets me Lego too to keep up with them.”


photo credit: Michael Kappel <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/78779574@N00/6463743173″>Elf on a Shelf Playing with Knives</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;