The Conservative Party has hit back at the news that an additional 700,000 children and pensioners have fallen into relative poverty, by asking you to question why you’d believe credible sources.

The report from the Joseph Rowntree Foundation claims that since 2013 300,000 pensioners and 400,000 children are now living in poverty.

Local Tory Councillor Pete Bowen said: “Well, yes, if you’re stupid enough to listen to credible reports it won’t sound very good.

“Ask yourself this though, was it on the front page of the Daily Mail? Nope, some shit about money going to jihadists was. Daily Express? Some shit about Brexit. The Sun? Some shit about a dancer from Strictly seeing an Accountant.

“You need to be a bit more intelligent about where you get your news from and you should definitely avoid the facts.”

Cold Pensioner Theresa Connell said: “I definitely don’t regret voting Conservative at the election.

“The daily choice I have to make about whether to eat or stay warm is probably what’s keeping me alive. It keeps the old mind working, which is handy given Austerity is helping to slash mental health care.”

Councillor Bowen added: “Everyone’s kicking up a fuss because Theresa May’s social mobility tsar has walked.

“It’s all down to interpretation. Some think it’s because we’re inept, I think they were the epitome of mobility because they buggered off. You’re not mobile when you’re standing still doing a job.”

photo credit: The Prime Minister’s Office <a href=”″>PM at European Council summit</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;