The queue of people outside Next at 05:00 this morning were only pretending to be there for bargains from the retailer’s terrible stock so they wouldn’t have to spend any extra time with their families.

The people, masquerading as absolutely ridiculous human beings, made their way to the various Nexts across the City in a desperate search for sanctuary from judgemental criticisms from relatives.

42 year old Pete Bowen from St Thomas said: “I told my family I really wanted a badly fitted beige suit, so I left the house, without query, at 4:30 to queue for it.

“I don’t want it at all, is anyone really that absurd? But I told them I wasn’t sure how long it’d take and its turned out to be the best £79.99 I’ve ever spent.

“I may swing by Sports Direct too because they never have a sale. The more shit stuff I buy, the longer I justify being out of the house. It’s the perfect crime.”

48 year old Theresa Connell from Winch Wen said: “I made out I really wanted to buy a top which randomly had the number ‘54’ and the words ‘sport club’ written beneath.

“I didn’t, I was escaping my daughter in law, who’s from Reading, but talks with an Australian accent because she lived there for 6 months and bought me a book about the outback for Christmas.

“What use is that book to me? I’ve never been to the outback and neither has she.”

52 year old Cheryl Gray from Trallwn added: “I’m here for the two tone purple lamp that was so disgusting it never made it out of the warehouse. Honestly now.

“I have to come clean, I hate my kids and that’s why I’m really here. They’re back from living away and I’m just not able to walk around naked like I normally can.”

photo credit: Anne Worner <a href=”″>Splash!</a&gt; via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;