A Fforestfach couple have kiboshed their diet plans after failing to understand how to open a packet of Kallo branded rice cakes.

Pete Bowen, 32 and Theresa Connell, 34, decided to bite the bullet last week and exchange the Cadbury’s Roses for a healthier snack alternative of rice cakes with organic peanut butter.

Theresa said: “We made the decision on Boxing Day to have a New Year diet, as many do, you know.

“I did some research and a friend of mine, who’s somewhat of a nutritionist when she’s not being an estate agent, recommended eating raw stuff. So we set about eating raw cocoa, raw avocados and raw chicken.”

Pete said: “Snacking is my weakness, well chav porn is my weakness, but that’s a different resolution altogether.

“I found out Kallo rice cakes with organic peanut butter is an acceptable snack and I’m easy with it. The rice cakes are 39p more expensive than a big bag of Maltesers, but whatever, that’s the price of progress.”

He continued: “Have you ever tried to open a bag of rice cakes? They come in this squeaky wrapper and I just can’t get in, not without ripping the packaging open and then the bastard things go all soft.

“I know dieting is meant to be hard, but I didn’t think it applied to actually accessing the food.”

Theresa added: “I’m not sure if you’ve ever opened organic peanut butter, but I can assure you that Sun Pat it ain’t.

“It comes with a layer of liquid on top of it which Pete said was ‘nut juice’ and I gave all that up in my 20s.

“The stress of it all made us eat a Victoria sponge and drink 12 cans of Fosters so what the f**king point.”