Alun Cairns has decided to give the Tidal Lagoon project the go ahead. Not to generate energy or anything, just to use as his own big personal bath, a source has confirmed.

The source leaked that Secretary of State for Wales Cairns, had felt that a massive bath would take attention away from his small stature as a human and personal ethics.

Secret source Pete Bowen said: “There’s been a great deal of ambiguity over what direction the Government will take the Tidal Lagoon, but a few of us in Cairns’ very small inner circle have been privy to his tiny master plan.

“Alun became a Conservative MP to make up for his small stature, but when he was pictured next to a big train and the big train wreck we call Chris Grayling on his tip toes, he was furious.

“He’s come into some criticism for not making a decision on the Lagoon and safe in the knowledge that no Conservative MP would invest in South Wales, he’s hurried through plans to make it a big bath that he can float in, and play with his toy devil.”

Bowen continued: “Its a win-win for Alun, on one hand he’s made a decision for once in his life, on the other he’s getting a massive bath that anyone would like small in, so he has the ability to feel a bit less inadequate.

“The main beauty of course is that the tide can take him out twice a day, which means he can be away from people more and still have the same negative impact on Wales but with a lot less turning up.”

photo credit: Department for Transport (DfT) <a href=”″>Severn Crossing tolls consultation</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;