Heterosexual women across Swansea are gearing themselves up for a night of sex which is slightly less disappointing than usual because their partner will put a romantic candle on.

The women can also expect to be given some ghastly underwear and receive something that resembles a massage, as Valentines Day shoots its mucky load all over their evening.

32 year old Theresa Connell from Manselton said: “I like a nice romantic meal and some flowers, but is the edible body paint necessary?

“My boyfriend will come home from work, humming ‘Let’s Get It On’ by Marvin Gaye, before presenting me with a peep bra from the Ann Summers Clearance Sale, which I’ll never wear in a million years.”

Theresa boyfriend Pete said: “Theresa asks for a massage a few times a week and usually it’s the biggest chore. But it’s Valentines Day and I’m Mr Lover Lover tonight.

“I’ll put a bit of East 17 on, light an Aldi candle and then the magic will begin.”

Theresa continued: “Normally Pete’s massages consist of five minutes of violent thumb digging into my muscles before he farts on my back, which is my cue to sit on the other sofa.

“But on V Day he’s trying to be all sexy because he’s done some massage research on GQ to help him get his end away.

“The candle does help because the scent distracts me from all the Joop he’s wearing. It’s more karma chameleon than kama sutra.”

Pete added: “The mood lighting from the candle is also great for helping me look bigger.”

photo credit: kentonlrussell <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/63679518@N00/32509388600″>Valentine’s Flowers | Nikon Micro Nikkor 105mm f4.0</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;