Nowadays one thing is certain, when something out of the ordinary happens, we need someone to blame.
So when yesterday’s earthquake shook the city like a bad babysitter, we knew we needed answers. Was it immigrants? That TMO again? F**king Neath?
The Daily Swansea has worked tirelessly for around 15 minutes knocking up a series of conspiracy theories, none of which at time of print have been disproved by anyone in Government, science or religion.
1. It was the Conservative Government
A compelling theory is that Theresa May ordered the earthquake by asking Andrew RT Davies to enter an abandoned coal mine and rub his dinner plates together.
The ‘order’ is rumoured to be in response to an austerity march in the city yesterday.
2. The earthquake was an act of God, urging the council to reinstate the slip bridge on Oystermouth Road
A leaked conversation between hard campaigners from the ‘Friends of Swansea Slip Bridge’ Facebook group, confirms that members have been ‘praying loads’ for God to take ownership of replacing the old bridge.
The campaigners are thought to have been radicalised by extreme group members, who think the bridge should not only return, but also have a coffee shop, Odeon Cinema and pot of gold at the bottom of the steps.
3. It was Swansea Online, who were experiencing an otherwise slow news day
Prior to the ‘earthquake’, Swansea Online had attempted to land an article about communities in Swansea East allegedly getting along like they were the Waltons, along with one about potholes.
Panicking, the local news site allegedly contacted Google Adwords, who have internet fault lines running under every city in the world, and requested to put them on vibrate for a brief period of time.
4. Surf club Langland Board Riders (LBR) were attempting to create some waves
Could the LBR cause an earthquake to attract bigger waves in Langland? It sounds absurd, but it’s possible.
Residents of SA3 apparently received an email asking them to simultaneously flush their personal debt and negative equity down the toilet at the same time, causing a rippling affect on the underground system which would encourage an earthquake, then potentially a tidal wave.
5. Swansea Council looking to break completely from the Neath Port Talbot border
Finally, an apprentice who was drafted in to take notes at the last councillors meeting, tweeted a set of minutes from the which may have confirmed the councillor’s desire to break the border and have water running between it. Something only an earthquake could do.
The minutes were actually illegible because they were written in emoji, so it’s possible.
Also, when the Civic Centre was opened in 1982, there was a red alarm with a button placed in reception with faded text around it. It has always been assumed it was a second hand fire alarm, but could it actually be a secret earthquake button?
If you know, you know. They know. But they don’t know you know. Stay woke.
photo credit: Gareth Lovering Photography 4,000,423 <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/35254353@N05/15760517107″>Swansea my lovely ugly town 3rd Dec 2014 (4)</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a>