We have exclusively been handed the Job Description and Person Specification for the new position being advertised for Traffic Warden in Mumbles. Please see below and apply if this is you!

Main Purpose of the Post:

Mumbles Community Council is funding the role of Traffic Warden to rid our village of ghastly people in white vans who park up to buy a Greggs. Why do they go to Greggs when there’s an artisan bakery in the arcade and an independent deli on Newton Road?

As well as this, you will:

  1. Occasionally spend time in West Cross, unaccompanied and resisting the urge to buy weed;
  2. Apply focus on cars which don’t look local, particularly city cars, hatchbacks and convertibles not manufactured by a German car company;
  3. Engage with the local community effectively, courteously advising them that you can avoid parking terribly by either paying to park or just walking the 300m to Tesco Express without bringing your Audi Q5;
  4. Discretely ticket vehicles so that nobody confronts the Community Council, we don’t wish to be confronted but do want the cash.

The Post Holder is Responsible for the Following:

  1. Taking an active role in promoting the business and personal interests of Community Councillors;
  2. Blending in to SA3 dress codes. If you are male, you may wear dark denim jeans, patent loafers and a Gant or Fat Face polo shirt. If you are female, anything from Joules or Seasalt, don’t push any boundaries with other brands from John Lewis, or cut corners with any High Street nonsense (that includes Peacocks);
  3. Allowing Bonnie Tyler to park wherever she wants, for as long as she wants;
  4. Acting as referee and deciding who has to reverse to give way on narrow residential streets to prevent tense stand offs;
  5. Assisting local day drinkers to cross roads and sending text messages on their behalf to their partners or spouses to cover their back;
  6. Spend time in Newton, Caswell, Langland, Mayals and Norton to make them feel as though your salary is justified to them, despite no one really parking to go anywhere there;
  7. Not accepting vouchers for Prezzo as a form of payment, you can get them online for free;
  8. Welcoming holidaymakers into the properties that have been over inflated so heavily, you’ll never afford to buy one
  9. Be prepared to face abuse and not be offended when you are called vile slurs like ‘idiot’ or reminded that people’s parents give them allowances greater than your salary.

Person Specification:

Education:

  • Bishopston, Bishop Gore (Mumbles catchment), Ffynone. Maybe Olchfa at a push, as long as you didn’t live in Sketty Park.

Other General Competencies & Abilities:

  • Experience of working in a team which may or may not be around for a few hours a week;
  • Be at least 5’8” so that you can easily reach the windscreens of the many 4x4s and VW Transporters;
  • Able to turn a blind eye to popular people who park illegally, go to a pub, then drive home;
  • Able to keep a straight face when diverting out of towners who ask for directions back to where they came from, in order to keep them off our beaches;
  • Experienced in empathising with people who work for their parents who claim to be ‘busy’ or ‘working hard’;
  • Able to effectively fill in for Councillors in meetings where the public may be there;
  • Experience of skiing holidays;
  • Owns furniture from Oyster Gallery.

 

photo credit: Reading Tom <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/16801915@N06/18938092668″>Mumbles Methodist Church</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

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