Dear residents,

It has come to our attention that a petition has been started to oppose the felling of healthy and mature trees in the City Centre.

Before we explain the reasons behind our decision, it is worth pointing out that your petition is online, so ironically you don’t really need trees either.

Anyway, it’s important that you understand our objectives, we plan to cut down trees so that you can have more. We also have a vision for the area to look green, but not necessarily ‘be’ green.

There was an aesthetic issue which we needed to take into account in the first instance. You see, when we plant the new trees they’ll be little baby ones and the ones which are there now are really big and old, so they wouldn’t line up very well – like when Martin Morgan stands next to a normal sized man.

We hear your concerns about nesting birds, but with Mumbles recently voted as the best place to live in Wales, we’re giving them the option to relocate to a better acclaimed part of the city. We will also be able to charge them a higher rate of council tax, which is useful in times of austerity.

There’s been some points raised around the trees absorbing a lot of pollution. While it’s true they apparently do something along these lines, what you fail to realise is that when the City Deal is launched we’ll have digital trees, processing digital dioxide and emitting digital dreams.

Oh and some sh*t about falling over or whatever.

So there’s the comprehensive response to your petition. You have 24 hours to contest our points although please do note it’s a Bank Holiday weekend, so we won’t see your comments for another 72 hours which will be too late.

As the saying goes, you have to kill trees to make trees. Amiright?

Best wishes,

The Department for tree decisions

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