It’s here! No, not Ed Sheeran you big treacherous bellend, Prince Harry is marrying Meghan Markle.

As we look forward to welcoming our first American born queen, like the homeless in Windsor waiting to have their confiscated sleeping bag back, we thought we’d answer some of your burning questions about the important people’s big day.

What time does the fun start?

Pubs are allowed to be open from 7am, but if you were smart you’d have gone out last night, stayed up all night doing psychedelic drugs and just be powering through right now.

Invited members of the public will arrive first at around 9:30 and be ushered in quietly. If you watch closely you’ll see groomsmen attempting to urinate on charity workers from an elevated place, which is a handy way for non Brits to understand how society works here nowadays.

Why is Prince Charles walking Meghan down the aisle?

It’s a fairly straight forward Royal tradition to assert control over someone marrying into their family who shouldn’t really be there. They influence things early on and it shapes the marriage, remember Diana’s dress?

Will I ever have a chance to marry a prince?

You should be able to have a stab at Harry in around three years.

I’m proud of my country but I’m also a massive racist. What should I do?

You don’t need to change for our Royal Family, you just need to fall in line with everything they say and kneel before them like an 11th century peasant.

The guidelines are woolly, but you should look proud, be draped in a flag and keep your racist thoughts as inner monologues. You’ll be able to access Mail Online to make racist comments at any time though.

Is the German Chancellor related to Meghan?

Probably. They have the same surname, but one is spoken in a German accent.

Why hasn’t Theresa May been invited to the wedding?

The Prime Minister has pressing business to attend to, including burying terrible news all day while the country looks the other way.

Will there be much to masturbate to?

Pippa Middleton’s arse set a precedent at the last one, but if you’re in the mood you’re in the mood. There’ll be something to work with.

Will there be an key musical influences?

On the morning of the wedding, Elton John will sing Candle in the Wind to Charles to psyche him up for walking Meghan down the aisle.

Am I allowed to complain about all of this?

Definitely not, and why would you? You like this and you want this.

Will there be any commemorative memorabilia?

Not really because your Nan’s Charles and Diana mugs didn’t end all that well for one of them. Although Nan still has them on display in her tacky glass cabinet, because she’s a sick person.

Why hasn’t there been a Bank Holiday for this?

There’s a British Gas conference in their Windsor office next week and all of the hotels are booked up by Gas Engineers. So it had to be on a Saturday.

What else could I watch other than the wedding?

There’s a programme about treason on and a three hour long programme about Swansea City’s 2017/18 season.

There’s nowhere else for you to go.

photo credit: MegMoggington <a href=”″>Sea.</a&gt; via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;