South Wales Police have admitted that the vans with facial recognition software being used this weekend, won’t work on anyone from Neath because they all have that same Neath face.

The vans, used to identify and flush out some of the most undesirable people in society, will worryingly allow criminal visitors from Neath to freely roam around the city and mix with the public.

DI Pete Bowen said: “The software is designed to recognise the faces of wanted criminals who may be on the run, we’ve made sure we’ve informed them of this via news articles so they don’t turn up and can further evade capture.

“We do have an issue with the Neath lot though. For example, they all have eyes which are a bit too far apart, so the software recognises they’re from Neath, but they’re just one of 46,000 people then.

“The other options were to focus on clothing, but they largely all wear the same ‘fashion’ brands. Then we thought hairstyles, nope, same. I thought we could track emotions, but they all wear the same ‘frown without smile’ face too.

“We even entertained placing microphones around the place but they all sound indignant and angry all the time, regardless of criminal status.

“Short of arresting all of Neath, I’m not sure how we weed out the proper Neath criminals.”

Brynmill resident Theresa Connell said: “My biggest fear was that I may hear Greg James’s irritating voice from my house, but now I also have to worry about the Neath.

“If we had tougher border controls we wouldn’t have to worry about thieves from Neath Morrison’s coming over here and enjoying big city life. What if they stay and all move into an HMO on Bryn Road?”

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