There’s been a lot of talk about Tidal Lagoons recently, so The Daily Swansea has pulled together a quick guide to help negotiate a deal.

Taking advice from local ‘cracking negotiator’ Pete Bowen, who knows his stuff after working for Nev in that call centre place, we’ve pieced together a fool proof approach to winning over a Tory.

Pete told us: “The trick with these people is to give them stuff that will benefit them, kind of like a trade-off, because they won’t pursue this for economic reasons, or employment for Welsh people and environment shit. Have you not read about HS2?

“The way I see it, we’ve been going about this thing the wrong way. Why would they want to know about ‘green energy’? We don’t have green coloured money. OK so it’ll create jobs and innovation, but where’s Mr May’s equity?

“In order to coerce them into a positive decision, I would do the following:

  1. Open the Lagoon up as a dumping place for ‘lost dossiers’

Got some Brexit impact assessments that you want to pretend never existed? How about some detailed Home Office notes on paedophile ring cover ups, as random examples? Our Lagoon is open for shredding!

  1. Let G4S run it

The equipment may only run at 30% capacity and it’ll be manned by people forced to be there on the back of some bogus DWP employment programme, but someone will cash in. It’s all about enterprise and stopping those scum bags claiming dole money.

  1. Use the Lagoon water to wash Boris’s mouth out whenever he makes a faux pas

You can relay any concerns about there not being enough ocean by reminding them that Boris will have to spit it out afterwards. The water will be highly toxic after he’s spat it out which will seriously harm the ecosystem, but if you buy your fish in Waitrose you should be fine.

  1. Ensure the water is only 4 foot deep so Alun Cairns can safely dog paddle

The Secretary of State for Wales is so remarkably busy doing nothing for the country that he should be able to use the Lagoon as a retreat, but the water can be no deeper than his chin for safety reasons.

  1. Let Jeremy Hunt do stuff with it

Perhaps relax planning laws so Jeremy Hunt can purchase a number of flats at bulk discount. Jeremy may wish to hide money in the walls so he can evade tax again, or let him claim the whole thing back on his own personal expenses.

Bowen added: “The options are endless; you just need to think like David Davies, then stop thinking like David Davies and then come up with some ideas which will help get a result.”

photo credit: UK Prime Minister <a href=”″>PM signs Swansea Bay City Region deal</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;