David Davis has resigned as Brexit Secretary so that he can spend more time making a complete tool out of himself in private.

Davis, who resigned yesterday because Theresa May’s Brexit plan would require him to do some actual negotiating, will spend more time at home trying to exit his patio doors and attempting to navigate his way around doing the weekly shop online.

Downing Street spokesperson Pete Bowen said: “Regretfully, for Mr Davis’s family at least, David will be spending less time lying to the British public and more time being incompetent at home.

“It was all well and good when we had absolutely no idea what kind of outcome we wanted from Brexit, because he was able to smugly stand in front of journalists talking about ‘progress’ against imaginary goals.

“But since Chequers, which is as unbearable a place as you would imagine it to be, he’s calculated that there may be some pressure to get a result for the country, so he’s resigned.”

Bowen continued: “David has stated he wishes to have complete privacy so that he can focus on the tricky task of replacing that spotlight in his bathroom that he doesn’t know how to unscrew, and tackle the blocked down pipe in the downstairs toilet.

“It’s the will of his family to get these jobs done and he wishes to fail drastically then tell his wife the job is nearly done without any press focus.”

Brexit voter Theresa Connell said: “I found David Davis to be clueless, self serving and a very convincing liar.

“It’s a shame he’s resigned because those are all the traits we need to shaft the country on a deal with the EU.”

photo credit: dullhunk <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/14829735@N00/26202635277″>New Blue British #Passport design released by France via @jamesmjharrison</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

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