A Swansea drug dealer has added Monster energy drinks to his product range following a proposed Government plan to ‘make something illegal and assume no one will ever buy it again’.
Entrepreneurial Pete Bowen from Cockett added the drink to his ‘a la carte drug menu’ group text to users this morning.
Pete said: “I’ve been wondering how to expand my portfolio for some time now, and I can always rely on Government to ban something to help me decide what to peddle next.
“I’m entering a new market with the kids, but I’m introducing a customer loyalty scheme which should help me take them from energy drinks, onto MDMA, then crack and/or heroin before ending on the also previously legal Spice.”
User Theresa Connell said: “I always feel a bit bad about having my drugs delivered in the morning because my 13 year old son gets nothing.
“Fortunately as they’re banning energy drinks for children I can get him a little something now.
“I’ve always had my doubts about Government, but by making things illegal and avoiding the real issues with substance misuse, they’re actually bringing families closer.”
Spokesperson for Theresa May Rob Gray added: “We were alerted to poor kids drinking energy drinks by some celebrity chef who uses words like ‘salty’ that have a different meaning.
“So in a desperate attempt to remain ‘sick with the da yute’ we banned the thing and are passing the buck onto illegal dealers.
“Now we can just leave gangs to stab each other over the underground supply of energy drinks while looking like we’ve made a difference. It’s also a welcome distraction from the disaster we’re making of Brexit.”
photo credit: Schmiddi1990 <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/141404362@N02/26790943804″>Monster Energy Dose</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a>