Swansea will no longer be promised things that won’t happen after the inevitable ‘no deal’ Brexit happens, Tories have confirmed.

The news will come as a blow to residents who are still basking in the glory of the promised Tidal Lagoon, rail electrification and Universal Credits programmes which either haven’t happened or have happened badly.

Conservative Party spokesperson Pete Bowen said: “There’ll be no more promises of ‘green energy’, ‘efficiency’ or ‘jobs’ after we showcase our incompetence and secure no deal I’m afraid.

“We’re going to be incredibly busy implementing a new tax haven after no deal. Increasing the net worth of ourselves and our donors is not as easy you’d think. We won’t have time to promise things we’ll never deliver to Swansea, it’s not 2015 anymore!

“We’ll also be busy blaming the EU and Labour for all of this mess we’re responsible for. Don’t forget, we’re the ones who imposed the leave date. Actually, do forget that bit.”

Bonymaen Brexiteer Theresa Connell said: “We used loads of fossil fuels when I was younger and I’m pretty sure we’d walk to London if we had to go there. Didn’t do me any harm.

“Brexit is a big step forward to showing snowflakes that life is difficult. For example, I only made a 300% return on the council house I bought and I still don’t know how to spend my final salary lumper when I retire.”

Port Tennant resident Rob Gray added: “It’s a shame because I’d welcome a more permanent job outside of 3 months at Amazon every year.

“I used to spend hours fantasising about regular work and learning new skills when the Tidal Lagoon was planned. Now I spend my days planning my move to Scotland and hopefully becoming independent from all of this one day.”

Advertisements