A man who voted Conservative in the last two elections has woken up this morning cured of being a total bellend following a ‘Dickensian dream’.
Company Director Pete Bowen from Sketty naively voted Conservative in 2015 and 2017, stupidly swallowing sound bites about a ‘strong economy’ and ‘big society’.
Bowen said: “Last night was like any other. I spent my usual hour developing my inner hatred by reading the Daily Telegraph headlines, picked up the FT and pretended I knew what it all meant, before a quick trip onto my Daily Mail app to laugh at people on benefits who can’t afford food. Then I trotted off to bed, contented.”
Bowen continued: “As I slept, frowning because we don’t hand Swansea Council over to a profit making entity, I was visited by the ghost of Tory past: Thatcher.
“Mrs Thatcher took me back to the innocence of the 80s, where our PM was able to make homophobic remarks and sell off the houses of the poor without building new ones. Where public services were sold off and ruined, yet we continued to fund them and the public had to pay more to use them.
“I was gleefully taunting striking workers, before Thatcher took me to a scene of a miners house, they were poor, being bullied by the elite and it was sad. Even Thatcher’s ghost is banned from houses of normal working class people, so we just watched the scene on a Billy Elliot DVD, but it brought some truths home.”
Bowen added: “Shortly after I recovered from learning about what a dreadful bastard I’d become, I was visited by the ghost of Tory present: May.
“Mrs May took me to a glorious gathering of gammon faced Tories banging their fists on parliamentary benches. Proudly guffawing at some achievement, it wasn’t too bad, or so I thought.
“Mrs May explained that all of the happiness was because they’d just completed a series of photo ops in food banks, with copied and pasted tweets showing off what they’d done. They were really pleased to celebrate the poverty they’d created.
“She also explained that they’d saved a few quid by cutting benefits and public services, instead of making a lot more by actually taxing wealthy people. It’s quite odd when you really think about it.
“I was taken to the scene of my Project Assistant, who I underpay because the Government tops up the rest while I earn more. She was sanctioned by Universal Credits for being a few minutes late for a telephone interview after being stuck in a meeting. Her child, let’s call it Tiny Tim just in case you’re not getting the reference, faced being made homeless like other hundreds of thousands of people are.”
Squirming, Bowen explained that he was then visiting by a ghost of Tory future. He said: “I was ironically taken to the future by Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like he actually existed 300 years ago.
“We were met by a blithering Boris Johnson and a selection of millionaires who were now billionaires after the shafting the country had continued to receive under Tory rule. We visited a graveyard full of homeless people begging for scraps of food and pickpocketing.
“On the gravestones was the ‘Great’ from Great Britain, the word dignity and ‘social responsibility’.”
Bowen added: “I woke up this morning completely refreshed. I didn’t blame the vulnerable for all of the problems in the country and decided to pay my employee a living wage.
“Instead of applauding the MPs who vote to cut support for disabled people, I decided to oppose it. It actually feels quite good to not support some of the most dreadful this country has ever had in Government. Who knew?”