The Quadrant has announced plans to hold gammon only shopping events to stop people who don’t have angry pink faces from being called nazis.

The shopping centre, built when many gammons were ‘knee high to a grasshopper’, will host the events and only allow physically obvious gammons in after they make xenophobic comments to the cleaning staff.

Gammon Pete Bowen said: “I’m furious that I won’t be able to scream ‘traitor’ at lone women when I’m shopping for my gammon clothes, which are great for showing off my belly and dandruff.

“What happened to freedom of speech? It’s just typical of this country for an angry pink faced man like me to be oppressed, but it’s alright for those one legged lesbian immigrants to go buy Thornton’s on a regular shopping day.

“I hate these treacherous anti democratic nazis. We should be more like the nazis instead.

“I’m fuming. Look my face has gone a darker shade of pink and I’ve grown a new wrinkle when I frown.”

Enoch Powell enthusiast Rob Gray added: “Why would anyone want to be isolated from the rest of the world with heavy restrictions on how and when they buy products? Oh and Brexit means hard, no deal Brexit by the way.

“It’s time for good British loyalists like me to rise up against something and make a stand. We need Katie Price, or is it Hopkins maybe, in charge so we can mobilise against them vegans who eat halal.

“Have you noticed that the gays can shop ‘til they drop though? They’re never victimised.”

Centre Manager Theresa Connell said: “We’re going to film it because even though there’ll be nothing left for the gammons to hate, they’ll still be hateful little wankers and find something to cry about.”

photo credit: CJS*64 <a href=”″>Just fed up !</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;