A study has found that Jesus died so that 30 somethings can legitimately go out, get smashed and dance to the music that they did in their 20s.

The study, commissioned by unemployed ‘old school’ DJs, revealed that Good Friday and Easter Sunday predominantly exist to give people born in the 80s another shot at being relevant.

Ex Escape head Pete Bowen, 38, said: “This is fantastic, thanks Jesus! I was going to have a barbecue with the family but now I think I’ll buy a load of jub and play Russian roulette with my state of consciousness. While listening to Josh Wink!

“Woop woop!”

Gendros resident Theresa Connell, 37, said: “They called me the Gendros gurner back in the day. Jubbly’s was my church!

“I never really understood the point of the crucifixion but I appreciate it now. If I go out tonight I can be home by Sunday morning to do the egg hunt with the kids.”

Townhill resident Rob Gray added: “I was one of those scumbags who used to go out and go straight to Top Banana.

“Crawling out of Ken Bu Kan on a Monday morning is a lot like Jesus coming from his cave on Easter Monday!”

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