Nigel Farage has confirmed that he will stand to become an MP at the next General Election, so we thought we’d give you some insight into his rumoured manifesto.

Farage, definitely not happy there’s so much political uncertainty which may lose him his radio show and valuable exposure, has pieced together a foolproof plan to ensure the nation gets behind his fledgling party.

We spoke to Brexit Party arsehole Pete Bowen to give you the rundown of the things that matter to you the most.

The economy:

“Our plan is to remove ourselves from our biggest tariff free trading bloc risking over £270bn in exports. The sensible thing to do from here will be to move to rules which will enable us to pay increased tariffs on things like cars so that imported goods cost consumers more.

“In case of any doubt, we’ll include a picture of Nigel smoking a cigarette whilst holding a calculator within the manifesto, which will make him look like a man of the people.”

Education:

“We’ll introduce tiers of educational standards so that we can neatly prioritise who receives the best education. The more you donate to our party the better the chance your child has of being educated well.

“Lifelong learning will be scrapped because we believe if you haven’t qualified for something by the time you’re 18 then you can pick strawberries. Never did us any harm.

“The manifesto in this section will include a picture of Nigel standing by a whiteboard with his thumbs up and a blackboard with his thumbs down; this is a useful nod to the fact we like white things more than anything ‘non-pure’.”

Healthcare:

“We’re going to keep healthcare free at the point of entry for everyone. But once you enter you’ll have to pay.

“As it’s a bit of a drab subject we’ll include two pictures here. The first will be a grinning Nigel strangling a Romanian family with a huge stethoscope. The second will be a picture of British thoroughbred 19 year old tart in an Ann Summers nurses outfit being leered at by gammons.”

Technology:

“Investment in technology to keep us competitive with the rest of the world is important. It’s also very expensive.

“We’ll tax Universal Credit income to fund Nigel to have new computers and tablets which he can tell us all about on his radio show on LBC. This will be a great boost for his listening figures and keep him in a job for longer; not that he cares of course. He’s all about the working man.

“This section of the manifesto will include a picture of Nigel having a beer with a boffin.”

The environment:

“I don’t really understand what you mean.

“I suppose we could include a picture of Nigel sunbathing on a bed of discarded plastic in November to show that any ‘risk’ to the environment is leftard propaganda?”

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