Welsh members of the Conservative party are to follow potential future leader Michael Gove’s example and start hoovering up nose candy.

The members, desperate to find ways to be relevant with normal people, have decided to follow in the footsteps of toad like Gove after backing him for the top job.

Party member Pete Bowen said: “As a party we’ve destroyed so many things that we were running out of ways to engage with the electorate.

“We’ve had some ideas prior to this but they didn’t work out. Universal Credits have driven people to sex work so we thought we’d try that out, but weirdly there wasn’t much demand. Some of us are really creepy too so I don’t understand the lack of interest.

“Another idea was to have our photos taken at the food banks our policies have created. Turns out that people take real issue with that!

“We won’t even be able to be islamophobic soon. The world’s gone mad.”

Fellow member Theresa Connell said: “We needed something to keep our popularity up to tie us over until people realise it’s us who have opened the door to the NHS being privatised.

“When we heard about the inspirational Michael Gove doing his bit for organised crime and caning it on mad gak sessions we thought we’d follow his example.

“I’m going to go to the Wind Street tonight and have a jolly good time racking up some slugs in the toilets and like our party, make promises to people which we can’t keep.”