A Bonymaen memory foam mattress is to release a set of revealing memoirs documenting the goings on at a Cefn Road house.

The memoirs, described as a bodily fluid drenched version of The Secret Call Girl, will be released in time for Christmas and provide a ‘tell all’ account of life as a mattress in Bonymaen.

Mattress Pete Bowen said: “I spent 12 years in Bonymaen and served a number of locals. I felt that now was a good time to provide an insight into my time there, before the hepatitis finally takes ahold.

“The story starts in 2007. It was like any other day in the old Llansamlet warehouse, home as it was then, when I was lifted up and thrown into the back of a van.

“I remember imagining where I’d be going. I was half an hour from the Gower. Maybe I’d have a sea view? What’s the worse that can happen? West Cross I thought.

“The trip that day took just 7 minutes. The doors opened. I was in Bonymaen.”

Bowen continued: “It didn’t take long for the problems to start. Various items from Bonymaen Fish Bar were smeared all over me within hours of moving in. I thought that was degrading at the time, but it turned out to be the best residue I’d absorb for the next 12 years.

“So much residue. I wish I didn’t remember you know, but that’s the peril of being a memory foam mattress, if I was a different type I could’ve had one of those divan interventions.

Bowen added: “I don’t want to give too much away but I cover the time I was knifed so drugs could be ‘hidden in the springs’. They were upset I was made of foam, but sadly that didn’t stop the penetration afterwards.

“Then there was urine gate, that wonky Christmas in 2009 and servicing the Gray family who were sadomasochistic swingers.”

‘The Bonymaen Bed’ will be available in bookshops and bed stores from 1/11/19.