Alun Cairns has left a teeny-tiny, irrelevant and forgettable vacant space in Welsh politics after resigning as Secretary of State for Wales.

Cairns, 49 and nearly 4’9”, made the decision after allegedly lying about his knowledge of a Tory aide being responsible for collapsing a rape trial.

Tory spokesperson Pete Bowen said: “Alun will be missed because he reliably made decisions which benefitted the Tory Party in England.

“It’s almost ironic that his alleged lies about knowing about the disgusting thing his aide Ross England did in a rape trial is what finished him off.

“Fortunately he hasn’t apologised to the victim of the sexual assault which proves his dedication to Tory values. That’s why we’ll miss him.”

Bowen added: “He was our drop in the ocean. Or the tiny pebble sized plop in a failed tidal lagoon, as he became known.

“To think he screwed the city he was born in so badly is the stuff of fantasy. It’ll be hard to find another dickhead like that, even for the Tory Party.”

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