Exhausted drug dealers across the city are requesting calm in order to gain some respite from the panic buying frenzy triggered by coronavirus.

The dealers, working around the clock with no overtime or union protection, have been responding ‘as best as possible’ to requests from residents planning self-isolation periods.

Phet dealer Pete Bowen said: “I’m one of many entrepreneurs across the city operating in a challenging, demand led pharmaceutical industry, who is frankly burning out.

“It’s not unusual for me to receive customer requests for additional supplies, particularly from men in their 40s on benders who reckon they were a face in Martha’s, but I’m seeing unprecedented levels of stockpiling.”

Coke distributor Theresa Connell said: “I’ve had word from South America, via my man in Briton Ferry, that supplies are getting tight.

“Some people are trading their bugle for toilet paper so I’m doing some inside trading, but it’s not enough.

“I’m doing so many hours and as a self-employed person it’s really hard. Particularly as I’m pregnant. But that’s the risk of operating in the gig economy space and having regular unprotected sex.”

Health expert Rob Gray said: “I’ve recently become a health expert on social media alongside my day job as a forklift truck driver.

“My advice is to avoid the scaremongering from these drug dealers and to fill you boots and get off your tits because we’re all going to die anyway.”