Tiny handed England prop Joe Marler has announced that he’ll probably self isolate indefinitely so that he’ll never have to wash the hand that came into contact with the great Alun Wyn Jones’ cock and balls.

Marler, who touched another mans genitalia without consent in front of families watching a rugby game on television, may even be able to use a useful ban period to kick the self isolation period off due to breaking World Rugby Law number 9.

RFU spokesperson Pete Bowen said: “We’re a sport that has become accustomed to strange homoerotic behaviours and inappropriateness.

“I suppose that when you take a step back, grabbing another persons genitals without them consenting to it is a tricky one to explain to your kids who are watching it on TV with you.

“I wish I could say that Joe felt some remorse, but the reality is that he’s overcome with coming into such personal contact with an actual professional of the game he has instead decided to never wash his left hand again.”

Bowen continued: “We’re not sure what we’ll focus on with the England team first, the high tackles, indiscipline or the sexual assaults.

“I’m sure Eddie will look into after we lose the 6 Nations again since he kind of won it with the team he basically inherited in 2016 and had little influence over. The ones he has had influence over haven’t won a tournament since.

“He’s a little man and has small features too, so it may be some time before he accepts any responsibility.”